Cinema Review: Batman Vs Superman – Dawn of Justice

BATS

CAPES

SCAR FROM THE LION KING

THIS IS – BATMAN VS SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE

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No smiling is allowed in the DC Universe. We’re all sad here.

(In case you haven’t seen it, this is SPOILER CENTRAL. TURN AWAY. DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU’VE SEEN IT. GOOD GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE)

And now, we shall begin.

I want to preface this by saying the following things – I do not like DC films, and I do not like Zack Snyder films. People prefer the darker tones that DC films provide and that is completely fine. I actually like that Marvel, as its gone on, has become darker instead just starting off with ‘EVERYONE IS SAD AND ANGRY’.

So imagine my surprise when, shock of all shocks, I didn’t find this completely terrible. It was a very exciting feeling for me.

The plot itself is a little stupid. ‘Superman is bad. He destroys things. I must show him he is bad by destroying things too. Oh, your mother’s name is Martha too? No way! Oh, look, a common enemy. Okay, let’s team up’. There’s some plot holes – for instance, did Wallace know he was a rolling bomb? Did Mercy know? Why did Wonder Woman take the drive to get rid of her photos, but then not get rid of her photos? Why did she not look at the others? How did Lex sneak in a jar of piss? How did he know the Senator would notice that it was piss before exploding? Why was he so angry at Superman in the first place? He had no cause to, not really. Was he just like it, ‘Fuck this, fuck that, fuck Superman?’ Why did Superman go all the way to the top of a mountain? Why does Doomsday look like the troll in Lord of the Rings? Why talk about this special metal if you’re not going to do anything with it? Surely you could have figured out another way to make sure Superman knows Lex is sabotaging him? Why does Lois Lane HAVE TO BE INVOLVED IN EVERYTHING, STOP LOIS, YOU’RE GONNA GET HIM- oh shit.

Even though I can’t help but question Lex’s motives for wanting to see Superman and Batman fight (maybe it was a wager with a friend that he took too far?) he was still the best character in the film for me. When first hearing that Jesse Eisenberg was Lex Luthor, I was as skeptical as the next person – ‘That guy? From Zombieland? The one who shot fake zombie Bill Murray, really? Really? Nah, can’t be’

But his performance was amazing. Lex was unusually crazy – he oddly reminded me of Heath Ledger’s Joker. But where the Joker creates chaos for the sake of chaos, Luthor here is trying to prove a point in his own, ridiculously crazy way. The power he wants to possess, compared to the power Superman has, quite possibly makes him jealous as fuck. But not only this, he wants to prove that people placing their faith in Superman is dangerous – he doesn’t need to be controlled, he needs to be destroyed, or at least have a threat hanging over his head so he doesn’t act out. And when Lex’s idea of having a weapon specifically made to destroy Superman is blocked, what does he do?

Blows people up using a man in a wheelchair as a bomb.

As you do.

Eisenberg’s performance was so captivating though. He stole the show for me, and I can’t wait to see him again. With his lovely bald head.

I had the good graces to go with my darling partner, who had already seen it. He didn’t give me any spoilers, but he did tell me the same thing I wish to tell you.

It does jump around – but it does this for the comic book effect. If you watch it like you’re reading a comic book, which makes no sense but go with it, it doesn’t bother you that much. It’s actually quite a unique thing to do in a superhero film.

But not only that, the cinematography is fucking beautiful. Each frame was just so fucking gorgeous. It was like every frame was drawn. I wept at its beauty – I mean, I cry at everything, but this was some excellent work by the crew. Just an absolutely stunning film to watch.

I also have to give some love to Junkie XL for the music, along with Hans Zimmer. When you see Wonder Woman in her Wonder Woman outfit, the music is just phenomenal. It gives her so much power, so much strength along with her powerful stance. Watching her in action was just so magnificent, but the music sent chills down my spine. I have goosebumps just thinking about it.

(If you think ‘Woah, the drums sound a lot like Fury Road‘, Junkie XL also did that soundtrack. I kind of wanted the musical truck from the film to drive behind it, but alas, it never happened).

The main heroes, the sad Batman and the angry Superman, were honestly just ‘eh’ to me. Their fight scenes were great, but honestly, they could have been better for me. Everything about Batman and Superman could have been better. They fucked each other up, but at times, I could feel my eyes just glass over. The scene where they first meet, with the car chase and Batman’s car spirally after hitting Superman – I started thinking about uni and what to have for dinner later. Just nothing. I couldn’t root for them, I can barely remember them. All I can remember is Luthor.

‘The red capes are coming!’

There was one fight scene I particularly enjoyed, and that was the scene where Batman goes to rescue Martha, (the reason why they’re best friends now) and just beats the shit out of these henchmen. It was like watching the Arkham games come to life for the briefest of moments.

It shocked me that I even mildly enjoyed this film. It is flawed, I can understand the negativity. But it isn’t a horrible film, it isn’t worse than Spy Kids 3 or The Room. It’s good, but the main stars weren’t all that fantastic for me. That shouldn’t happen. And I think this is DC’s main downfall – the villains are more fun, more memorable than the heroes. This isn’t always a bad thing, fuck, they’ve got a whole film about it coming out later this year. But in a film where they’re trying to set up the Justice League and the heroes fall flat to the (at times, flawed) villain (and the amazing cameos from other members) – that just doesn’t feel right to me.

Like I say, it’s a truly beautiful film to watch. I just wanted DC to fully blow me away and prove me wrong. To make me turn to my wonderful partner and say ‘Sugarbutt, you were right.’ But I didn’t.

Maybe next time, I’ll watch it on mute.

Rating: 6.5/10

What did you think? Did you think it was the best thing ever? Do you think I’m the worst person ever, how dare I write this review, I must have been paid by Marvel? Let me know in the comments!

 

 

(Also, Jefferey Dean Morgan as Thomas Wayne was mad fucked up. At least his wife didn’t burn on the ceiling this time. She just got shot. In the face, except not, even though she should have been but whatever, I guess that was too gruesome).

My First Time Watching: Mad Max

Hey guys!

This is my first post in my First Time Watching series. I’m not the first one to do this and I won’t be the last, but it turns out, as an avid film fanatic, I haven’t watched many films. It’s shocking really, that my collection of DVDs doesn’t have Forrest Gump or Titanic among them.

Or is it? I don’t know, I haven’t watched them. They may be utter shit. I have a feeling Titanic is. Not so sure about Gump though.

My first, ‘First Time Watching’ film? Mad Max. The first one. Purely because my human, my lovely human who I love and adore with all my heart, is mad at me because I saw Fury Road before him. Plus, I have it on Blu-Ray which is extra annoying to him.

(It’s beautiful on Blu-Ray by the way. The colours just pop off the screen; absolutely stunning to watch)

He thinks it’s for Tom Hardy. Admittedly, it partly is because of Tom Hardy. He’s a great actor who happens to have a great face to go with it. Not afraid to admit that. But the film sucks me in. The score, the storm scene, the dialogue (however limited it may be), the make up, the costumes – it’s all an amazing look on a dystopian society. Where most dystopian futures primarily involve the colour grey, this has a rainbow of colours to go alongside it’s misery.

So, surely I’ll enjoy the first film? Directed by the same man, George Miller, (who also directed penguins dancing – honestly, I don’t how he went from mental Mel Gibson to penguin Elijah Wood but he did. It’s like Robert Rodriguez going from Spy Kids to Sin City) telling the beginning of the Australian wasteland where oil is scarce but everyone still drives cars like maniacs.

Though, to be honest, Mad Max on bicycles wouldn’t have the same effect.

I should enjoy it. I hope to enjoy it. Yep, as I’m writing this blog, I still have no idea what it’s like.  I don’t like feeling like I’m watching films alone (I’m literally the worst film-goer ever, I cannot stop making comments all the way through – why do you think I’m doing this?) so I’m going to watch this in half hour segments, sharing my opinions as I go along.

Here we go then. My first First Time Watching: Mad Max.

First Half Hour 

The first half hour can be summed up in a few sentences. Are you ready? You better be.

The Nightrider is batshit mental. But he dies. So who cares?

Max is well fucking chilled. Almost too chilled for someone who should mad.

The Nightrider’s gang just wants to fuck shit up.

Max’s wife plays the saxophone in the dark.

Goose is amazing and called someone a turkey.

Honestly, that’s all that really happens. The Nightrider explodes his car after crashing into the most conveniently placed car pile-up I’ve ever seen in a film, and then his gang comes along to avenge his death. Literally. That’s it.

Max being told that they’re coming for him is probably one of the most chilled ‘They’re coming to get you, Barbara‘ moments I’ve ever seen.

“Hey Max. Have you eaten?” “Nah, I’ll probably get something in a bit.” “All right, well, you know that Code Three?” “The Nightrider?” “Yeah, well, word’s out that his gang is coming to get you” “Well, I’ll just add it to my list of threats.”

And then Mel Gibson and the man who looks like Judas Priest laugh and walk away. That is not how you react to the idea of some maniacs coming to get revenge. YOU ARE TOO LAID BACK, MAD MAX. I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU ARE MAD.

Relaxed Max he should be called.

There is also so much leather for a film set in an Australian wasteland, that I truly believe that there is a talc shortage as well as an oil shortage.

Verdict So Far: Eh. I’m enjoying it, but the opening sequence was a bit boring to me. The car chase was a bit dull, but that could be because I’ve seen better car chases since this film has been released. Also, there was a dog and that was a highly enjoyable part of the film. The dog lives, so the Nightrider’s gang aren’t entirely evil.

Also, I love Goose.

goose hearts

I wish this was Mad Goose instead. Then one of the films could have been ‘Mad Goose: Wild Chase’

Goddamnit Miller!

Second Half Hour 

There has been a tragedy. Goose, the sweet avian prince of the road, crashed and burned. Johnny Boy, reluctant to throw the match onto his upside down car, watched it go up in flames. I blame the Toecutter, who will now be referred to as The Yeti-Man.

It was such a tense scene to watch. The music was building up as he was driving his motorcycle, I thought for sure it was just going to explode as soon as it starts up. The tracking shot along with the intense music just made me hide behind my fingers and wait for the sound of the explosion. But it never came.

Stupidly, assuming it was safe, I watched him drive the truck away. Nope. Not safe. Not safe at all. It was very, very unsafe.

It seems to be the beginning of Max’s madness. He had a bit of a nightmare after seeing Gooses’ (Geese?) burnt face, which I’m super glad I didn’t see. But after that, he goes back to his regular ol’, Normal Max self. He even wears white trousers, for goodness sake. If that’s not the sign of sanity, I don’t know what is.

His wife and son has an encounter with The Nightrider’s gang as well. After what happened to my precious Goose, I have decided to trust my instincts and assume they’re going to die too. Maybe. I don’t know, I’m hoping Miller will surprise me.

Maybe everyone lives?

No, no, that doesn’t sound right.

I have never seen anyone lick an ice-cream in such a creepy manner either. The Yeti-Man is awful. Good for Saxy Lady for kicking him in the nuts and shoving the cone in his eye.

Nothing really happened again, though. Aside from Goose being set on fire. I’m hoping that in the last half hour, things will rev up and it all hit hyperdrive to the point where I have no idea what the fuck is going on and it’s all just mental.

It’s building up to something. I can feel it.

Now, as a final goodbye to Goose, here’s a James Blunt song

Don’t cry guys; I’ll cry for us.

Verdict So Far: I miss Goose. But it’s getting somewhere now. I’m anticipating the end, excited to see where it goes. Though, at times, the film slows down in places like it did in the beginning, I’m still powering through; the gang now setting their sights on his wife and kid now is setting up the final act to be bloody. I hope. Come on Max.

Final Half Hour 

It wasn’t bloody, but oh my god, my wish of absolute confusion was granted. The final half hour of this film was just the absolute best part. I am completely in love with Mad Max now.

The most surprising thing about this, is that you don’t really see a death on screen. The death of his wife and his son happens off screen; all you see is the young boys shoe and ball roll onto the road, and the crumpled up bodies of the pair of them laying in the middle of the road. Max’s scream is haunting.

Before I even continue on about Max’s soon to be badassery, I have to talk about the old lady. I honestly have no idea what her name is, but she shot a barrel and shoved the motorcycle gang into the shed. The Yeti-Man fucked up; he acted like she was no threat. Total threat, total boss, total badass.

Back to Max. Back to badass Max. I take back everything I said about him. Good god, was the ending worth the wait. The intense, Psycho-esque music, the literal dark clouds looming over him, the constant running everywhere. Even him interrogating the mechanic from before is so much better.

White Trouser Max would have just listened to his story. Mad Leather Trouser Max has no time for that shit. He was all up in his grill. Perhaps even better than that, the mechanic uses the word ‘mollyfuck’. The phrase is, ‘What the mollyfuck?!’. Doesn’t top Goose calling someone a turkey, but I am going to use that phrase forever.

Max’s revenge is easily the best sequence of the film. It is fifteen minutes of mayhem. It makes everything else before that so worth it.

He just smashes his car into the entirety of the gang, sending two into the river. Max gets shot in the kneecap and you see the blood splatter. Bubba gets cocky and acts like he can get Max, and guess what, HE CAN’T. Max, lying on the ground with a bullet in his knee, shoots the fucker as he drives towards him.

Then, the chase between Max and the Toecutter. The Toecutter driving too fast, Max chasing after him, like it’s a Saturday morning cartoon. Toecutter gets completely smashed up though. Just absolutely crumpled under an on-coming truck.

I feel bad that Max didn’t get to exact his revenge onto him, but the Yeti-Man’s death was just satisfying to watch, in the least psychopathic way possible.

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Look at those eyes.

Beautiful.

Johnny Boy’s death is a like a scene from Saw. Max chains him up to what is, essentially, a ticking time bomb and gives him the choice to either saw his ankle out of the handcuffs, or to just explode.

As Max drives off, in the background, we see a fireball – we have no way of knowing if Johnny Boy survived, but after leading the Yeti-Man to Goose, I hope he didn’t.

Good god, I sound deranged.

Final Verdict: Patience is a virtue when watching this film. The ending is superb, but you can’t just skip to Max slaughtering everyone; you have to know why, how he got to that point in the first place. I regret asking for him to go mental sooner. It was so worth the wait (even if it meant that his dog probably died. Maniacs).

It is a really great film. Will I watch it again though? Probably not. I don’t have the patience to watch this, not alone anyway. I’ve enjoyed it, I can’t doubt that. I’ll watch the ending again, no doubt about it and I’m excited to see where the character and the series goes from there. But in terms of this film, I can’t see myself choosing to watch it again, unless I’m in the mood for it.

Rating: 7/10

Captain America: Civil War Trailer – 10/03/2016

There is so much to talk about, I have no idea where to begin.

Do I talk about Black Panther first? Ant-Man? The Iron Man vs Captain America feud? SPIDEY?! 

Oh god, I have goosebumps. My heart is having palpitations.

Let’s start from the beginning.

This film, from the looks of this trailer, still looks amazing. I am so glad that it features more than just Iron Man and Captain America throwing punches and insults at each other. Black Panther looks amazing. He said no words but his fight scenes look like they’re gonna be amazing – I’m hoping he’s going to stand out a lot, not only for the purpose of showcasing a great character, but also so people are aware and prepared for his stand alone film (featuring Andy Serkis, who I have to talk about as often as possible).

The interesting point for me though, is how they’re going to resolve this, or at least have Steve and Tony (they sound so normal) on the same page in time for Avengers: Infinity War 1 & 2. Will they continue to be on opposing sides until Thanos makes an appearance? How will Thor and the Guardians of the Galaxy fit into all of it? Obviously now they have Spiderman, so hopefully he’ll be used on the Avengers or at least featured in the films. I’m guessing most of those featured in this film, will be in future Avenger films or the individual Avengers stand alone films. I’m curious as to how everything will all come together, and the plan Marvel has. I’m fucking excited too, this is a plan that has been in the making for a long time.

The plot itself, for this film, looks really interesting too. Steve has, for the most part, begin to doubt the government he believed in, in the 1940s. This is probably his breaking point in terms of politics. Tony’s alliance with the idea that superheroes should be controlled rather than allowed to do whatever the hell they want, is slightly surprising given his personality. But honestly, I know there will be flaws, there is no perfect film (unless you count Casablanca which everyone in the world thinks has the most perfect script), but I’m so certain that Marvel is going to pull it off.

In all truthfulness, Captain America was always pretty ‘meh’ to me. Nothing about him appealed to me, but recently, since Winter Soldier, he’s got to be more and more interesting. The internal conflicts he faces and the struggles to believe the government and the adapting to the new ways – he’s evolved to be a great character, and I’m hoping that in this film he’ll come full circle.

The rumour of Hulk appearing has not been confirmed, but I love the Hulk and I really, really hope he does.

But you don’t care about that.

I know what you wanna talk about.

13

THIS GUY 

It’s such a brief appearance. He literally swings in, grabs Cap’s shield and says hi. That is it. But Marvel are such flirts, such teases, that is literally enough to satisfy any curiosity we might have.

Spiderman is in it. He’s seemingly on Iron Man’s side. He seems pretty funny, even though he just swung in and said hi, somehow that’s still funny. 

And yet, it asks more questions.

How long has he been Spiderman? Is Uncle Ben dead already? Will his own film not be an origin story for once? Is Aunt May going to be in this, trying to solve the situation with cookies?

This film looks intense, the fight scenes look amazing (tiny Ant-man flying through the air is gonna be fun to watch. Plus Paul Rudd and Robert Downey Jr together? They might have a quip off), the music sounds incredible, the plot itself looks simple enough to keep our attention but mysterious enough to keep us guessing.

Maybe it’s bias, maybe it’s love. But I am really looking forward to watching this film. Less than two months to go.

Get your countdown clocks ready.

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Heh. See what I did there? I’m so funny.

For those of you who still haven’t watched it, you can watch it here

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think of the trailer in the comments!

 

 

P.s, imagine if Deadpool was there. Imagine the quip off then. 

 

 

Watching the Oscars Live

I have never had thought I’d ever be able to watch the Oscars live. Not that it’s an ‘invitation only’ thing to do, but as it’s always on a Sunday and I’ve either had school or work to go to the next day, I’ve never been able to watch the awards unfold live, always having to wait until the next day to see who the big winners were.

Until last night.

Last night, after realising I didn’t have university until 3pm the next day, I seized the night and decided to watch the Oscars live… in the UK. Which meant staying up from half 1 until 5 in the morning.

I’m always up for a challenge. I watched all six Middle Earth films in a row, on the big screen, and it was the greatest time of my life. This particular Oscars comes a really close second.

As I watched this magnificent event unfold, my excitement overloading and my nerves for Leo constantly growing as the night goes on (especially after the Best Supporting Actor award), I decided to write down notes in my notebook for this particular blog. So please, sit back, relax and watch me go from writing paragraphs of each person, to becoming a crying, tired, hyperventilating mess. This every note I wrote down between those 3 and half hours.

Have fun!

The beginning of the night has started well. Chris Rock’s opening monologue had me in stitches, especially the shade thrown at Jada Pinkett-Smith – ‘You turning down the Oscars is like me turning down an invite to Rhianna’s panties… I wasn’t invited!’

My particular favourite was his first line – “Welcome to the 88th Oscars, also known as the White People’s Choice Awards!”

It wasn’t all jokes – he used his platform to directly talk about racism in Hollywood today and how, as he put it, “black people only want opportunity.” You can watch his opening monologue here

The first award is presented by Emily Blunt and Charlize Theron, the award being Best Original Screenplay. It was really nice to see writers be appreciated as Charlize says ‘We know you’re the backbone of this industry’. It’s always nice to see writers get the recognition they deserve, given that the story generally starts with them.

Winner – Tom McCarthy and Josh Singer for Spotlight (apparently I had nothing to add to this… so moving on)

Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe presented for Best Adapted Screenplay. Gosling was surprisingly funny with his whole ‘two Oscars between us’ and ‘agree to disagree’ shtick. I was laughing a lot, but that could be the tiredness kicking in.

Surprisingly, Adam McKay and Charles Rudolph won, for The Big Short. I thought Emma Donoghue would win, given that she adapted it from her own novel, so it’s probably extremely faithful to the book. But still, congratulations to them!

(I see a small man. I don’t know if he’s on a step, or just really tiny)

(He’s tiny.)

1:56am

Okay, what the fuck is happening

I was expecting Chris Rock, but instead I have Alex Zane and Zoe Ball on my screen.

I want more awards and performances.

Oh my.

I am surprised.

There’s four other people dissecting Chris Rock’s jokes. Why? Stop that.

1:58am

That was odd.

Chris Rock introduces a bunch of skits, which are clips from the nominated films with added black actors/actresses. Whoopi Goldberg is added into Joy, declaring ‘It’s a MOP!’, which is how I will now view that film forever. (I honestly don’t know why anyone thought it was a good idea to make a film about a woman who invented a mop, but there we go). Leslie Jones is added into The Revenant, replacing the bear that attacks Leo, which I think is an added bonus really. She really makes me laugh and I’m looking forward to seeing her in the new Ghostbusters.

Finally, Chris Rock replaces Matt Damon in The Martian, with added Jeff Daniels and Kristen Wiig. “We’ll have to spend $2500 white dollars” and “Black astronaut? What black astronaut?” were highlights.

Stacey Dash awkwardly showing up, was not. I have no idea why that has happened, but it has, it was awkward and weird and let’s pretend it never happened. What happened Stacey? Was it Clueless? Do you miss Clueless? Cause we can go back to that if you want.

Sarah Silverman introduces Sam Smith, but not before making a bunch of jokes about James Bond’s tiny dick, which I truly believe could be a real thing.

Sam Smith was shit to be honest. Would not stop swaying. Giant onion behind him was the best part.

Henry Cavill and Kerry Washington introduces the first Best Film nominations clip. The Martian plays first. Starman plays as background music and I cried. (Still very much aware that David Bowie is dead and it still makes me weep thinking about it. Do not judge the emotional one) 

Christian Bale looks like Shia LaBeouf.

JK Simmons presents Best Supporting Actress – he’s an absolute babe, what a guy.

Alicia Vikander won for The Danish Girl. I am thoroughly unsurprised. But it was a stunning performance, go her. (Also, she kissed Michael Fassbender – irrelevant).

2:15am

Alex Zane and Zoe Ball are back. Mrs Downton is there, I’m just realising. I don’t like this bit. Stop dissecting everything.

2:18am

Thank goodness. Go away all of you. Although I agree that Mad Max should win for Best Costume Design. Absolutely stunning, all of it.

Cate Blanchett is walking through actual designs. It’s beautiful, actually. The drawings for the actual nominated designs are so wonderful to look at.

MAD MAX WON!

Good. Fucking beautiful outfits. I screamed YES and raised my hands in victory. She sends an environmental warning, that the events of Mad Max could happen if we aren’t kinder to one another and the planet. (A lot of environmental messages were shared on Sunday, which is a message that everyone should listen to)

Tina Fey and Steve Carrell present for Best Production Design, both of them on top form as always.

MAD MAX WINS AGAIN!

I am really rooting for Mad Max tonight. I hope I like the other films as much. It’s a shame Charlize Theron is nominated for Best Actress, I thought she was sublime in that film.

Joker and Harley Quinn are presenting together. They look beautiful. Jared Leto said the word ‘merkin’ and it caused a lotta laughs. (It’s also important to mention that Jared Leto had sequin snakes on his shoes that night) They’re presenting the award for Best Hairstyling and Make-Up. Oddly, there’s only 3 nominations.

But no matter because MAD MAX WINS AGAIN. OH MY GOD. I am really happy that the crew is getting recognised for this film. The other two nominations were thoroughly deserved, I have a slight biased towards this film.

Benecio Del Toro and Jennifer Garner are showing more Best Picture nomination clips. Jennifer Garner looks amazing. She don’t need Ben.

The Revenant looks amazing.

THEY’RE SHOWING MAD MAX.

That score is amazing. Plus, two Tom Hardy clips in a row? Wonderful.

2:34am

Alex Zane and Zoe Ball have been muted.

2:35am

Rachel McAdams and SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED Michael B. Jordan present Best Cinematography award.

Siccario gets a big applause, might be a favourite to win. Mad Max gets one too – so does The Revenant. I’m starting to think everyone is just being polite.

Shockingly, Mad Max doesn’t win and it instead goes to the same man that won for Gravity and Birdman. Go Emmanuel Lubezki, I’m pretty sure that’s three in a row for him.

(At this point I was pretty certain Tom Hardy wasn’t in the audience and I became highly disappointed) 

The stunning Priyanka Chopra and Pornstache’s brother present the Best Editing award. And guess what, MAD MAX WINS AGAIN. Fucking hell, they’re just raking it in. Margaret Sixel edited the film and she’s a complete badass – she’s never edited a film and now she’s won an Oscar for it. You go Margaret Sixel.

Jack Black History Month would be amazing to be honest (I wonder if Will and Jada are butt-hurt or not?) 

2:45am

OH MY GOD

2:48am

Chadwick Boseman and Chris Evans show up. Beautiful. They’re presenting two awards for achievement in sound. First up is sound editing. Watching the clips, I realise how much goes into it. It’s amazing.

MAD MAX WINS AGAIN.

Mark Margin and David White are the sound editors Mark Margin sound edited The Fifth Element, whilst David swore. Amazing pair of people.

Everyone is being so kind and thanking George.

“Mad Max is the film we see with our ears” beautiful statement, but I’m pretty sure they’re both drunk as well, which is also amazing.

Sound mixing is next and MAD MAX WINS AGAIN! Chris Jenkins, Gregg Rudloff and Ben Osmo accept the award and they are substantially less drunk.

OH MY GOD THEY’RE HAVING ANDY SERKIS MONTAGE. THEY’RE PRAISING ANDY, FINALLY

He’s presenting the award for visual effects. Obviously. Ex Machina wins which is a little surprising, but given the outstanding effects they achieved with such little budget, it’s also not that surprising. Andrew Whitehurst, Paul Norris, Mark Ardington and Sarah Bennett accept the award. (Britains represented that night!) 

Watching C-3PO, R2D2 and cutie BB-8 argue onstage makes me consider if I’m delirious or not. C-3PO is saying hello to John Williams, talking about his 50 Academy nominations. FIFTY GUYS.

There’s a warning that the minions are coming. I am afraid.

3:04 am

Please. Go away.

3:06 am

Toby Maguire is there. Which is weird. Chris Rock is selling girl scouts cookie for his daughter. The Minions are presenting for Best Animated Short. It’s all gone a bit weird and scary.

The Oscar goes to Bear Story, created by Gabriel Osario and Pato Escala. It looks really sad. I am highly emotional right now.

Buzz Lightyear and Woody have been friends for 20 years. That’s a long ass time. They’re also presenting the award for Best Animated Film. A Studio Ghibli film When Marnie was There is nominated, but it loses to Pixars Inside Out. Pete Docter and Jonas Rivera accept the award.

Kevin Hart praises Chris Rock and makes a passionate speech about black actors and actresses not being nominated and praises them for all their work, before introducing The Weeknd who performs ‘Earned It’ from Fifty Shades of Grey.

He’s a lot better than Sam Smith. Sexy ladies dance and do acrobatics. This song is literally the best thing about Fifty Shades. Has anyone seen it? It’s so fucking bad. I wanted to hit everyone in that film. Especially Dakota. HAVE MORE EXPRESSIONS WOMAN. 

Kate Winslet is wearing huge glasses whilst introducing clips from Bridge of Spies and spotlight with Reese Witherspoon. I have no idea why she’s wearing them, but there we go.

I am really interested in watch Spotlight. It looks really intriguing, thought-provoking and emotional.

Chris Rock interviewed people outside the cinema about the Oscars about its lack of diversity and if they had heard of any of the nominations. Here are some great quotes from it.

“They’re real movies!” “Like in London and stuff?”

“What’s your favourite movie of this past year?” “By the Sea with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie” “Wow, not either of them would say that.”

“There’s so much talent in all races”

Patricia Arquette is presenting the award for Best Supporting Actor. It is 3:29am and I a more awake than she is. Come on girl, pick up the pace.

I’m still surprised Tom is nominated, though seeing him win would be amazing.

Ruffalo winked. I swooned. Even though, I am laying down.

Mark Rylance won for Bridge of Spies. Well deserved I say.

(It was at this point I realised Hardy was there because I saw his beautiful face in a tiny box) 

Rylance’s speech is so eloquent and beautiful. How he speaks of Spielberg and Hanks is just so kind and he seems so genuinely gracious to accept the award.

3:36am

Bye guys. Stop talking now.

3:38am

Louis CK is just great. He is presenting the award for Best Documentary Short film and his introduction is just pure fire. “This Oscar is going home in a Honda Civic”

“The Oscar goes to… Mad Max? No.” Brilliant.

The Girl in the River wins. Sharmeen Obaid-Chinary accepts the award and is completely badass. “This is what happens when remarkable women get together.” Badass.

Daisy Ridley (Scott) and Dev Patel is presenting the award for Best Documentary Feature, with Amy being the frontrunner. Annnnnnnd it wins! Unsurprisingly. (Amy’s dad Mitch wasn’t as pleased with this revelation) Asif Kapadia and James Gay-Rees accepts the award.

(For anyone interested in watching the documentary, which details the life and troubles of Amy Winehouse, it is currently being shown online on All 4) 

3:47am

I am so tired of this panel. I am so tired anyway.

3:50am

$65,243 dollars worth of Girl Scout cookies. Goddamn guys. I wish I had something to sell to all of you, but I don’t. But you can just give me money? Chris Rock, get people to give me money. Please.

Whoopi Goldberg has a huge tattoo? I never knew that. She looks gorgeous. She’s introducing the Governors Awards.

They cut to Leo’s face a lot. To see if he’s sad, or because they just like his face? Who knows.

The President of the Academy shows up and promises for there to be more diversity in the Oscars from now on. “It’s not enough to just listen and agree – we must take action.” It sounds a great promise, and it would be really great to see a more diverse Oscars next year – but it takes more than just words. We’ll have to wait until next year to see if she makes good on her promise.

Louis-Goscett Junior does the memoriam introduction, and Dave Grohl sings THE BEATLES. I cried because seeing Christopher Lee, Alan Rickman and David Bowie’s name up there makes me incredibly emotional which is ridiculous but I am still very upset about them being gone. They all had a huge impact on my life in some way.

Also, I am very tired, everything is making me cry.

Jacob Tremblay, breakout star of The Room and Abraham Atton who starred in Beasts of No Nation present Best Live Action Short. Jacob is too far from the microphone. They are both adorable.

Stutterer wins. Benjamin Cleary and Serena Armitage accept the award. (I apparently had nothing else to add again) 

The winner of the Best Foreign Language Film, Son of Saul directed by Laszlo Nemes, says probably one of the most beautiful sentences of the evening – “In the darkest hours of mankind, there is a voice within us that allows us to remain human.”

Joe Biden, Vice motherfucking President of the motherfucking United States gets a standing ovation. He discusses the amount of sexual abuse that is happening on college campuses in the United States, asking everyone to take the pledge at itsonus.org, before introducing Lady Gaga, who sings her original song from documentary The Hunting Ground. 

The song itself is okay, but her performance is powerful. She brings out survivors of sexual abuse, most from the documentary, who have phrases such as ‘NOT YOUR FAULT’ written on their arms. This just shows what an important platform the Oscars, and film as whole, can be, to share the voices of those who may not have one otherwise.

Pharrell Williams and Quincy Jones present Best Original Score. Come on Williams. Or Newman. Or any of you, you’ve all created something beautiful.

Ennio Morricone wins for The Hateful Eight. The oldest person to win. He has a translator, which is lovely. His speech is gracious and wonderful and to every person he mentions, he is so kind about them.

Michael Fassbender has a lizard smile.

Last years winners of Best Original Song, Common and John Legend (whose Oscar winning song is gorgeous), present it to their next in line.

God, Fifty Shades of Grey was shit.

Oh my God, Sam Smith won. Sam Smith WON. It was so shit. What the fuck. That’s so awful. I wish it went to someone else. If they opened up the envelope and it said Mad Max like every other award, that would be so much better. (It’s also fair to note that he accidentally takes a Sir Ian McKellen quote out of context, gaining a lot of clarifications for his sake) 

Ali G shows up and calls Idris Elba ‘Idris Elbow’ and makes a bad joke about the Minions, while Olivia Wilde laughs, before introducing the highlights for Room and Brooklyn.

4:33am

Nearing the end. I am scared for Leo.

JJ Abrams presents the Best Director award, calling them all courageous. Everyone has such nice things to say tonight.

Alejandro G. Inarritu wins again, for The Revenant. This year, I’m shocked though. I honestly thought George Miller would win, given that everyone seemed to be in agreement that he did an outstanding job. But fair play to the other Ale G, he is pretty good director too.

Leo looks likes he’s about to cry. I wonder if he’s as nervous as me.

I’m so nervous. This is honestly so terrifying. I feel so afraid for Leo.

Best Actor Nominee Eddie Redmayne presents Best Actress. I will scream if Jennifer Lawrence wins. Brie Larson. For real.

IT’S ABOUT A MOP.

Brie Larson won, rightfully so. Her speech is so endearing and thankful and lovely.

BEST ACTOR. OH MY GOD. I AM SO NERVOUS. THIS IS IT, LEO, OH MY GOD.

Alex Zane went for a high five and was rejected. Best part of the panel.

Julianne Moore is presenting Best Actor. Oh my god. I am so nervous. What if Eddie wins again? It can’t be. It can’t be Eddie. Not again.

This is highly nerve racking. So fuck knows how Leo feels.

HE WON FUCKING HELL. HE FUCKING WON. I SCREAM.

It’s a speech 6 nominations in the making. I am so happy and proud of him. Instead of using his platform to thank everyone he’s needed to thank for these past 6 nominations, he begins to talk about the environmental issues that we face, which is such a lovely thing to do.

Morgan Freeman is presenting the Best Picture award?! This nearing 5am night is getting better!

Spotlight won! Which is shocking. I am shocked. I thought Mad Max would win but towards the end of the night, I thought The Revenant would win. Spotlight never popped into my mind. Michael Keaton looked really fucking excited.

I have gone from proper speeches to nothing but feelings. But I am so happy for Leo. I can’t believe Spotlight won but I am looking forward to seeing it.

… 

So there we have it. Watching the Oscars in the UK is so much fun, but also really tiring. I am really happy to have watched it this year, getting to watch Leo win for this first time was a beautiful moment. I screamed. Luckily, no one in my house heard me, but I also know if I’m being attacked, they do not have my back.

Next time though, I will have more snacks and energy drinks. Maybe more alcohol.

Everyone loves a drunk.

Thanks for reading! I had a great time watching the Oscars and cannot wait to do it next year!