SCAR FROM THE LION KING
THIS IS – BATMAN VS SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE
(In case you haven’t seen it, this is SPOILER CENTRAL. TURN AWAY. DON’T COME BACK UNTIL YOU’VE SEEN IT. GOOD GOD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE)
And now, we shall begin.
I want to preface this by saying the following things – I do not like DC films, and I do not like Zack Snyder films. People prefer the darker tones that DC films provide and that is completely fine. I actually like that Marvel, as its gone on, has become darker instead just starting off with ‘EVERYONE IS SAD AND ANGRY’.
So imagine my surprise when, shock of all shocks, I didn’t find this completely terrible. It was a very exciting feeling for me.
The plot itself is a little stupid. ‘Superman is bad. He destroys things. I must show him he is bad by destroying things too. Oh, your mother’s name is Martha too? No way! Oh, look, a common enemy. Okay, let’s team up’. There’s some plot holes – for instance, did Wallace know he was a rolling bomb? Did Mercy know? Why did Wonder Woman take the drive to get rid of her photos, but then not get rid of her photos? Why did she not look at the others? How did Lex sneak in a jar of piss? How did he know the Senator would notice that it was piss before exploding? Why was he so angry at Superman in the first place? He had no cause to, not really. Was he just like it, ‘Fuck this, fuck that, fuck Superman?’ Why did Superman go all the way to the top of a mountain? Why does Doomsday look like the troll in Lord of the Rings? Why talk about this special metal if you’re not going to do anything with it? Surely you could have figured out another way to make sure Superman knows Lex is sabotaging him? Why does Lois Lane HAVE TO BE INVOLVED IN EVERYTHING, STOP LOIS, YOU’RE GONNA GET HIM- oh shit.
Even though I can’t help but question Lex’s motives for wanting to see Superman and Batman fight (maybe it was a wager with a friend that he took too far?) he was still the best character in the film for me. When first hearing that Jesse Eisenberg was Lex Luthor, I was as skeptical as the next person – ‘That guy? From Zombieland? The one who shot fake zombie Bill Murray, really? Really? Nah, can’t be’
But his performance was amazing. Lex was unusually crazy – he oddly reminded me of Heath Ledger’s Joker. But where the Joker creates chaos for the sake of chaos, Luthor here is trying to prove a point in his own, ridiculously crazy way. The power he wants to possess, compared to the power Superman has, quite possibly makes him jealous as fuck. But not only this, he wants to prove that people placing their faith in Superman is dangerous – he doesn’t need to be controlled, he needs to be destroyed, or at least have a threat hanging over his head so he doesn’t act out. And when Lex’s idea of having a weapon specifically made to destroy Superman is blocked, what does he do?
Blows people up using a man in a wheelchair as a bomb.
As you do.
Eisenberg’s performance was so captivating though. He stole the show for me, and I can’t wait to see him again. With his lovely bald head.
I had the good graces to go with my darling partner, who had already seen it. He didn’t give me any spoilers, but he did tell me the same thing I wish to tell you.
It does jump around – but it does this for the comic book effect. If you watch it like you’re reading a comic book, which makes no sense but go with it, it doesn’t bother you that much. It’s actually quite a unique thing to do in a superhero film.
But not only that, the cinematography is fucking beautiful. Each frame was just so fucking gorgeous. It was like every frame was drawn. I wept at its beauty – I mean, I cry at everything, but this was some excellent work by the crew. Just an absolutely stunning film to watch.
I also have to give some love to Junkie XL for the music, along with Hans Zimmer. When you see Wonder Woman in her Wonder Woman outfit, the music is just phenomenal. It gives her so much power, so much strength along with her powerful stance. Watching her in action was just so magnificent, but the music sent chills down my spine. I have goosebumps just thinking about it.
(If you think ‘Woah, the drums sound a lot like Fury Road‘, Junkie XL also did that soundtrack. I kind of wanted the musical truck from the film to drive behind it, but alas, it never happened).
The main heroes, the sad Batman and the angry Superman, were honestly just ‘eh’ to me. Their fight scenes were great, but honestly, they could have been better for me. Everything about Batman and Superman could have been better. They fucked each other up, but at times, I could feel my eyes just glass over. The scene where they first meet, with the car chase and Batman’s car spirally after hitting Superman – I started thinking about uni and what to have for dinner later. Just nothing. I couldn’t root for them, I can barely remember them. All I can remember is Luthor.
‘The red capes are coming!’
There was one fight scene I particularly enjoyed, and that was the scene where Batman goes to rescue Martha, (the reason why they’re best friends now) and just beats the shit out of these henchmen. It was like watching the Arkham games come to life for the briefest of moments.
It shocked me that I even mildly enjoyed this film. It is flawed, I can understand the negativity. But it isn’t a horrible film, it isn’t worse than Spy Kids 3 or The Room. It’s good, but the main stars weren’t all that fantastic for me. That shouldn’t happen. And I think this is DC’s main downfall – the villains are more fun, more memorable than the heroes. This isn’t always a bad thing, fuck, they’ve got a whole film about it coming out later this year. But in a film where they’re trying to set up the Justice League and the heroes fall flat to the (at times, flawed) villain (and the amazing cameos from other members) – that just doesn’t feel right to me.
Like I say, it’s a truly beautiful film to watch. I just wanted DC to fully blow me away and prove me wrong. To make me turn to my wonderful partner and say ‘Sugarbutt, you were right.’ But I didn’t.
Maybe next time, I’ll watch it on mute.
What did you think? Did you think it was the best thing ever? Do you think I’m the worst person ever, how dare I write this review, I must have been paid by Marvel? Let me know in the comments!
(Also, Jefferey Dean Morgan as Thomas Wayne was mad fucked up. At least his wife didn’t burn on the ceiling this time. She just got shot. In the face, except not, even though she should have been but whatever, I guess that was too gruesome).