Cinema Review: Batman Vs Superman – Dawn of Justice





maxresdefault (1)
No smiling is allowed in the DC Universe. We’re all sad here.


And now, we shall begin.

I want to preface this by saying the following things – I do not like DC films, and I do not like Zack Snyder films. People prefer the darker tones that DC films provide and that is completely fine. I actually like that Marvel, as its gone on, has become darker instead just starting off with ‘EVERYONE IS SAD AND ANGRY’.

So imagine my surprise when, shock of all shocks, I didn’t find this completely terrible. It was a very exciting feeling for me.

The plot itself is a little stupid. ‘Superman is bad. He destroys things. I must show him he is bad by destroying things too. Oh, your mother’s name is Martha too? No way! Oh, look, a common enemy. Okay, let’s team up’. There’s some plot holes – for instance, did Wallace know he was a rolling bomb? Did Mercy know? Why did Wonder Woman take the drive to get rid of her photos, but then not get rid of her photos? Why did she not look at the others? How did Lex sneak in a jar of piss? How did he know the Senator would notice that it was piss before exploding? Why was he so angry at Superman in the first place? He had no cause to, not really. Was he just like it, ‘Fuck this, fuck that, fuck Superman?’ Why did Superman go all the way to the top of a mountain? Why does Doomsday look like the troll in Lord of the Rings? Why talk about this special metal if you’re not going to do anything with it? Surely you could have figured out another way to make sure Superman knows Lex is sabotaging him? Why does Lois Lane HAVE TO BE INVOLVED IN EVERYTHING, STOP LOIS, YOU’RE GONNA GET HIM- oh shit.

Even though I can’t help but question Lex’s motives for wanting to see Superman and Batman fight (maybe it was a wager with a friend that he took too far?) he was still the best character in the film for me. When first hearing that Jesse Eisenberg was Lex Luthor, I was as skeptical as the next person – ‘That guy? From Zombieland? The one who shot fake zombie Bill Murray, really? Really? Nah, can’t be’

But his performance was amazing. Lex was unusually crazy – he oddly reminded me of Heath Ledger’s Joker. But where the Joker creates chaos for the sake of chaos, Luthor here is trying to prove a point in his own, ridiculously crazy way. The power he wants to possess, compared to the power Superman has, quite possibly makes him jealous as fuck. But not only this, he wants to prove that people placing their faith in Superman is dangerous – he doesn’t need to be controlled, he needs to be destroyed, or at least have a threat hanging over his head so he doesn’t act out. And when Lex’s idea of having a weapon specifically made to destroy Superman is blocked, what does he do?

Blows people up using a man in a wheelchair as a bomb.

As you do.

Eisenberg’s performance was so captivating though. He stole the show for me, and I can’t wait to see him again. With his lovely bald head.

I had the good graces to go with my darling partner, who had already seen it. He didn’t give me any spoilers, but he did tell me the same thing I wish to tell you.

It does jump around – but it does this for the comic book effect. If you watch it like you’re reading a comic book, which makes no sense but go with it, it doesn’t bother you that much. It’s actually quite a unique thing to do in a superhero film.

But not only that, the cinematography is fucking beautiful. Each frame was just so fucking gorgeous. It was like every frame was drawn. I wept at its beauty – I mean, I cry at everything, but this was some excellent work by the crew. Just an absolutely stunning film to watch.

I also have to give some love to Junkie XL for the music, along with Hans Zimmer. When you see Wonder Woman in her Wonder Woman outfit, the music is just phenomenal. It gives her so much power, so much strength along with her powerful stance. Watching her in action was just so magnificent, but the music sent chills down my spine. I have goosebumps just thinking about it.

(If you think ‘Woah, the drums sound a lot like Fury Road‘, Junkie XL also did that soundtrack. I kind of wanted the musical truck from the film to drive behind it, but alas, it never happened).

The main heroes, the sad Batman and the angry Superman, were honestly just ‘eh’ to me. Their fight scenes were great, but honestly, they could have been better for me. Everything about Batman and Superman could have been better. They fucked each other up, but at times, I could feel my eyes just glass over. The scene where they first meet, with the car chase and Batman’s car spirally after hitting Superman – I started thinking about uni and what to have for dinner later. Just nothing. I couldn’t root for them, I can barely remember them. All I can remember is Luthor.

‘The red capes are coming!’

There was one fight scene I particularly enjoyed, and that was the scene where Batman goes to rescue Martha, (the reason why they’re best friends now) and just beats the shit out of these henchmen. It was like watching the Arkham games come to life for the briefest of moments.

It shocked me that I even mildly enjoyed this film. It is flawed, I can understand the negativity. But it isn’t a horrible film, it isn’t worse than Spy Kids 3 or The Room. It’s good, but the main stars weren’t all that fantastic for me. That shouldn’t happen. And I think this is DC’s main downfall – the villains are more fun, more memorable than the heroes. This isn’t always a bad thing, fuck, they’ve got a whole film about it coming out later this year. But in a film where they’re trying to set up the Justice League and the heroes fall flat to the (at times, flawed) villain (and the amazing cameos from other members) – that just doesn’t feel right to me.

Like I say, it’s a truly beautiful film to watch. I just wanted DC to fully blow me away and prove me wrong. To make me turn to my wonderful partner and say ‘Sugarbutt, you were right.’ But I didn’t.

Maybe next time, I’ll watch it on mute.

Rating: 6.5/10

What did you think? Did you think it was the best thing ever? Do you think I’m the worst person ever, how dare I write this review, I must have been paid by Marvel? Let me know in the comments!



(Also, Jefferey Dean Morgan as Thomas Wayne was mad fucked up. At least his wife didn’t burn on the ceiling this time. She just got shot. In the face, except not, even though she should have been but whatever, I guess that was too gruesome).

Cinema Review: Deadpool

I’m sort of late to the party on this one. Completely not my fault, and also entirely my fault. I was promised to go see on Valentines Day (ah, sweet romance – Milk Tray is my true love), but lack of funds due to a large takeaway the night before prohibited us. Then personal things meant I couldn’t move for a while (nothing to do with Valentines Day, you damn dirty apes). But then, glorious Saturday  20th, February 2016 rolled around and I finally got to see it.

It was brilliant. I am so happy that it finally got made and very shocked that it took so long for Fox to take a chance on it. It took leaked footage for them to realise that everyone wanted a Deadpool film. As if the internet doesn’t exist or something.

First things first to talk about is the cast. Ryan Reynolds is obviously Wade Wilson, much like Robert Downey Jr is Tony Stark. It’s hard to imagine he’s been doing anything other films (maybe it was Deadpool pretending to be married to Sandra Bullock before, in a shocking twist, realising that he loved her all along). Not only was he sarcastic and self deprecating, but he was also completely badass to watch (or maybe his stunt double was). The fight scenes were – well, fuck, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Even though it could have literally just been Reynolds talking to the camera on his own for an hour and forty-seven minutes and I still would have loved every minute of it, there were other people in this cast. TJ Miller was probably my favourite, playing bartender/buddy Weasel. The sweetest moment for me was when rude ass Angel Dust pinned him against the wall and everyone in the bar just points their guns at her, protecting their tiny bartender.

Go drunkard patrons, protect those who serve you.

I liked the relationship between Wilson and Vanessa, played by Morena Baccarin. An unusual start to a relationship, but then that fits in well with the whole dynamic of the film. Sex that turns into a long term relationship, that eventually turns into an engagement, it was actually wonderful to watch it unfold on the screen. They were sickeningly sweet and endearing to one another, and it was genuinely heartbreaking to watch Wilson lose confidence in the idea of seeing her, as he notices everyone laughing, whispering and pointing at him.

The super sidekicks were X-Men Colossus and Negasonic Teenage Warhead. They were good, good to watch him interact with other people of his kind that weren’t villains, and leaves me with small hope that he may be in a X-Men film yet, even if it’s just a cameo. It would be truly great to see, but until then, I’m happy enough with these two and Deadpool just having his own solo film. NTW powers were badass, but there’s nothing of note about these characters.

Oh, other than when Angel Dust’s titty fell out when Colossus and her were fighting it out, and like a lovely giant, Russian metal gentleman, he told her. Very kind Russian metal gentleman, would definitely listen to an audiobook by him.

This leads me to the villains and the fight scenes. The main villain is Francis/Ajax, played by Ed Skrein and his henchwoman Angel Dust, played by Gina Carano, who says nothing during the film at all. Seriously, nothing comes out of her mouth and she chews on matches. I think at some point during the writing process, the writers realised there was nothing really of note about this random woman, other than the fact that she can punch really hard. So they thought of a quick character quirk and made her chew matches.

If it is explained in the film why, I did not pay attention closely, clearly. The nachos I had were super good so they may have distracted me for two seconds. Or, it could be without this character quirk, Wilson would not have been able to blow up the oxygen torture tank. Literally, that’s the only reason. She isn’t that great of an asset to the film. Her fight scene is really good, but then, they cut away from it for such a long time, I completely forgot it was happening until NGW blew her up. They could have given her more purpose, but ‘being used just for fighting’ is a step up from ‘being used to just look pretty and have boobs’.  At least she’s doing something.

Francis is okay as well. Honestly, could have done with a little more villainy schemes than just kidnapping the girlfriend, but it is the first film. Skrein played him really well. He was great at the creepy doctor shtick too. The whole setting of that scene creeped me the fuck out. Abandoned places where people perform horrible medical experiments, and where you can hear the far off screams of other patients are horrible.

But he didn’t stick with me as much as I would have liked. He was a decent villain, enough to get me through the film, but eh – I won’t remember much about him. I’m surprised I remember this much.

(It is also important to note the taxi driver who kidnapped his cousin and Wilson’s blind roommate who was stroked by his baby hand. They were the best part and I wish they were his super sidekicks).

Moving towards these fight scenes that I can’t stop talking about – I loved them. We are immediately dropped into one, and it is just awesome to watch. So gruesome in comparison to other Marvel films, so incredible to watch. The slow motion aspect of it struck a chord with me. I know it’s been done before, but this time there was something oddly beautiful about it. The blood splatters, the glass shattering, the car turning over slowly, the music in the background. It was like a painting.

The end fight scene wouldn’t end and I didn’t want it too. The giant explosion, shattering the quarry and turning everything to rubble was just amazing to watch, but not only that, the fight between Deadpool and Francis. Brutal and personal – one fighting for revenge and retribution, the other trying to get rid of a nuisance party. It was intense to watch at times and I was glad that it wasn’t cut short prematurely, or dragged for too long where my butt would begin to get numb.

The plot itself is simple; Man and woman meet, they fuck, they get engaged, man gets cancer, man tries weird ass treatment, man gets superpowers and tries to get revenge on people who made him look so ugly he can’t go see his girlfriend. Little vain, but I like that. There’s a whole getting her back thing as well, as there usually is if a girlfriend is involved. It was nothing too convoluted, because it didn’t need to be. A simple plot with great dialogue and action can still make a great film.

I was secretly hoping Patrick Stewart would show, but alas! What can you do?

All in all, there are some flaws to this film. I am still trying to work out henchwoman’s role in all of it, other than just chewing matches. But I enjoyed this film so much, that I don’t really care. It was so funny, sweet, gory, sweary – it was everything I had hoped for and more. I am so glad it worked out well. So fucking glad.

I cannot wait for the sequel.


Two thumbs up!

What are your opinions on Deadpool? Yay or nay? Let me know, so I can either send you a puppy or not.

Thanks for reading!

I’m gone